RANT

WARNING: 

Read at your own risk 

I am loosing it. I have never been this uncomfortable in my life. Every single part of my body hurts. My breasts are killing me, can't sleep at night. The cramping is just getting worse by the day. I called my doctor and he advised I take another pregnancy test. I did and it was  negative.
Last night, I went to sleep telling my husband how it is not fair that I am hurting emotionally and physically; and he is not. He just gave me a big hugged and told me he loves me. I know he gets frustrated when I cry. Believe me when I say, I understand it must be annoying not knowing whether or not your wife is going to have a good day or not. Part of me feels like I miss the "old" me, the "me" that did not cry every time she saw a pregnant women, the one that did not ask every single day "why me?".

I have an amazing husband, the greatest for sure! He supports me in every way he can. His mother and father are the best parents-in-law a girl could asked for. They are there for me not matter what.

When I first found out that I was not ovulating and saw a big circle on the word "infertility". I needed my parents. I called my mom that day to ask if she knew where my dad was. I wanted to talk to him so bad. At some point, I almost felt like I needed to talk to him. My mom told me that she was talking on the phone with him, and I asked if she could tell him to call me. She quickly replied, "for what". See my mother has never been supportive of my decisions, so I feel more comfortable talking to my dad. I just said, "nothing, just want to talk to him".

I waited for his call, tried calling him again, but no answer. I then called my mom back and asked if she told my dad to call me. She said, "why do you need to talk to him". I lost it, started crying and simply said, "I want to talk to him about my doctor's appointment". She asked if I could tell her about it. Knowing my mom's feelings, I told her "no" because I know how she feels about my decisions. She quickly replied, "you need to go to a psychologist, you are psychotic" ---this is exactly why I do not talk to my mom about what I am going through. I just cried and cried while I listened to her called me almost every name written on mental health and then hung up.

Nathan's mom response when she learned my diagnosis: "Sweetie, everything is going to be okay!"
-that is all I wanted and needed to hear from my parents.

Instead, I feel like a "stranger" in the place I once called home. I would love to write that my parents and I are best friends, but we are not. In fact, I told Nathan yesterday that if he ever ever leaves me, I would have no family, because the only family I have is his. He quickly replied, "that is not true, because you are family. You are not just family because you married me".

I understand not everyone knows how to deal with infertility. I would expect a change on my friendships, but not a change on my parents. Infertility already brings all kind of insecurities to you. I honestly did not need my parents non supportive opinions; I just needed their love.

I got all excited two days ago when I saw my mom was calling me. I did not pick up since I was in the car with Nathan and called her back later. I haven't talk to her since the day after 'Thanksgiving' and the only reason why she called was to ask me for a ride to the metro station because she was planning on going to NY. I told her I couldn't, I haven't heard back from her since. :sigh:

Before knowing the diagnosis

After knowing the diagnosis

Can you see the difference on my smile?

Before the diagnosis, smiling was not hard

Now, it feels like a chore!

"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)