Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Infertility- a medical condition?

I started blogging because I wanted to capture all the precious moments about TTC. I wanted to tell my story; only, so that one day, my son and or daughter could see how much I wanted to be a mom, to see how much I love him/her, to see how much fun his/her parents had TTC.

Instead, I find myself writing about how difficult it is to fulfill pregnancy. I write about how miserable I am, how horrible infertility is.

But then I realized something. I am telling my story, a different kind of story, but one that seems to help others who are struggling with infertility.

I am not writing for you to feel sorry for me. I am writing because I want to express my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams.

Last night, I was working on my homework when I received a text message from my mom. The text read,

"Just wanted to let you know that your uncle is in the hospital. 
I am not sure what is going on but whatever it is they are not telling your grandmother,
I will call you tomorrow with more information"

I looked at my husband and said, "oh no, my uncle is in the hospital"... my husband quickly replied, "the one with cancer? oh that sucks". 
My husband couldn't be more right. The fact that my uncle is in the hospital because he has cancer SUCKS!

I spent the whole day yesterday feeling sad for myself. I couldn't stop crying. Why? because of infertility. Yes, it is safe to say infertility is a medical condition but it is one that can be overcome; whether it is through IUI, IVF, or adoption. The changes of overcoming infertility are higher than overcoming cancer; you don't have to agree with me, but I think I am right. 

Infertility is a bump on the road... but it has an almost guarantee outcome, because adoption is always an option. When I was first diagnosed with infertility, someone sent me a message saying:

"Whenever you feel like crying, cry,
Whenever you feel like laughing, laugh,
Just know that regardless,
YOU WILL get to be a mom,
adoption is always an option"

I can't honestly send a message to my uncle saying, just know that regardless, you will be cancer free. Simply, because I do not know that. 

When I feel like the world is coming to an end because of infertility, I would think of my uncle, who is struggling with cancer because infertility is so small compare to what he is going through. 

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Monday, February 27, 2012


I haven't been blogging lately because I am angry. I am angry at myself for letting infertility take so much of my time, tears, and emotions. I have been in a "weird" mood since I entered the #2ww. I only have a few days left and yesterday it felt like my body was getting ready for AF.

My DH and I went to his grandmother's house. I had so much fun. At one point, I started to cramp; a few tiny mild cramps. I am sure if I wasn't paying attention to my body so much, I probably wouldn't had notice this. I went outside to the porch and told DH I thought I was getting my period. He is always such a trooper but I can tell on his eyes that he was sad. Every month is a disappointment and its exhausting.

The #2ww is torturing! It really is...

I had no "symptoms" whatsoever this cycle. NOTHING!
The only "symptom"/thing is my face and chest are breaking out really bad.

I am on CD26 today 11DPO. On Thursday, March 1st, we have a doctor's appoinment with a new RE.
What is next? an IUI? IVF? Am I going from Clomid to injectables? We are not sure at this point.

Have I told you guys DH's feelings about an IUI?

Oh, and this cycle, my current doctor added progesterone gel once a day. If pregnant, I will need to do this until at least 10-12 weeks pregnant.

...when will it be my turn?

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Monday, February 20, 2012

Infertility Sucks!

I spent Sunday morning watching pregnancy announcement videos on YouTube. I couldn't stop watching. I felt sorry for myself. Infertility has affected my life in different ways and I don't like it. I honestly don't mind all the doctor's appointments, all the blood work, injections, ultrasounds, etc. I do mind the "unknown"; not knowing whether I will ever be able to get pregnant. I want to be pregnant, I want to experience pregnancy. Does that make me selfish? 

I have done two medicated cycles; a combination of Clomid, and HCG shot. This cycle, its a combination of Clomid, HCG Shot, and Progesterone. Needless to say, the first two cycles did not work. They both ended up with a BFN. Will this cycle work? I am really hoping so.

Will I ever get my BFP? Not knowing how to answer this question makes me sad... not knowing its the main reason why I cry all the time.

Infertility is just awful and it affects everyone differently. I often wake up in the middle of the night and pray that infertility is not as awful to my husband as it is for me.

So, I think it is fair to say that infertility affects one's self-esteem.

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Monday, February 13, 2012

Two Follicles!

I had my first ultrasound this cycle to check the progress of my follicles. The appointment did not start well as a new nurse insisted that I was there because I got my period. I told her she was wrong. I was there to check on my lining and follicles; in other words, the CD11 ultrasound. I got really upset that she did not know why I was there to begin with and really mad when she kept asking dumb questions like, "when was your last period?" Really? That should have been part of my medical chart on February 2nd. She also kept asking me if the doctor gave me any medication... I kept saying yes Clomid, yes Clomid! But I do not think she was listening.

I briefly talked the doctor about my HSG results since the fertility clinic has not sent the report to him yet. However, I told him that both of my tubes are clear. He then told me about one of his patient, who is now pregnant, after getting the HSG done. This is the first time, I feel like my doctor is giving me hope. He is usually cold and right to the point.

Anyways, here is the good news:

I have two follies. One on the right measuring 19mm and the other one on the left measuring 16mm. My lining is good! This is the first time I have more than one follicle! So I am hoping that this really is it! I have to go back to the doctors tomorrow to check my follies again and possible get the trigger shot. I keep peeping on the LH stick to see if it turns positive today but nothing yet.

DH and I started B'ding since CD8 so TI is our route this cycle. DH is not really okay with moving towards an IUI yet.

It seems as everything on this cycle is going the right way! A normal semen analysis for DH, clear HSG results, and two follies!!!! Needless to say, I will be praying and hoping that his spermies meet both eggs and in two weeks we can finally say, "WE ARE PREGNANT!" 

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Tuesday, February 7, 2012


I am on CD6 today and I had the HSG test done today. I couldn't sleep at all last night. I spent the night thinking how I would react if the doctor told me both of my tubes were blocked. I woke up anxious this morning. I didn't want to eat breakfast, take a shower, etc. I knew it had to be done but I was just so afraid. Somehow, I managed to lose the doctor's order for the HSG. I was panicking. I called the doctor's office twice but the doctor was not there, he was with a patient at the hospital.

I went to my appointment; hoping and praying that they will still do the HSG without the doctor's order. They went ahead and did the HSG and IT WAS PAINFUL!

I had a good nurse and a caring RE. He assured me that everything was going to be okay and walked me through the process. He told me everything he was doing at every second and kept inquiring if I was hurt or not. I was fine until he started injecting the "ink". I just hold my breath, closed my eyes, and bit my lips. It was more than uncomfortable, it really did hurt. I saw the monitor a couple times and I started getting teary eyes because I thought both tubes were blocked.

Well, my friends, I am happy to say that the HSG is normal and both tubes are OPEN!!!!!

I sat there and cried... The doctor hold my hand and the nurse gave me a hug. They reassured me that I was going to be okay. The nurse looked at me and said, "I know infertility brings all kind of insecurities, but a lot of people get pregnant after having the HSG, this is maybe your month, don't give up".

I am glad, relief, and happy that both of my tubes are open. I really hope I never have to get another HSG. So for now, I am taking 100mg of Clomid and will be doing the trigger shot and timed intercourse. Wish us luck!

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Monday, February 6, 2012

Baby Shower

I cannot wait to get pregnant for so many reasons, 
one reason being... 
So, I can have a 'Baby Shower'.

I enjoyed going to my friends' Baby Showers and I am thinking what it feels like to share a new chapter of your life with family and friends. I know one day I will have the Baby Shower I have always dream of. 

For now, I can share all these amazing 'Baby Shower' ideas from my Pinterest; enjoy!!!

Source: tidymom.net via Anailim on Pinterest

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Saturday, February 4, 2012

Pinterest Cuteness!

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Loving This...

I have been dreaming about this crib since Nathan and I decided to start trying for a baby. 
I am in love with the color, and just how simple this crib is.
and how freaking cute are these dressers,

and how about these changing tables,

If my husband loves these as much as I do,
All we need now is a baby! 

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Friday, February 3, 2012

CD 2 (Yep, you read that right)

Yesterday was officially CD 1 for me. I had a doctor's appointment this morning and was referred to do an HSG. I will be taking Clomid as well. So, the plan for this cycle is as follow:

  • Take Clomid starting on CD 5 through CD 9 
  • HSG scheduled for CD 6
So, I am starting Clomid on Monday and HSG on Tuesday. 

My husband had his semen analysis this week and the results were sent to the doctor's office today. He is okay!!! No worries there... his boys/girls can swim :) so this is something we do not have to worry about.  I am relief. 

I am hoping for good HSG results! Guess, we will know what happens next on Tuesday. Fingers crossed. 

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Thursday, February 2, 2012


I realized a few nights ago that...

Infertility is not a punishment

Now, I just need to figure out how to deal with it!

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