Monday, November 28, 2011

Circle + Bloom

"help me get pregnant, get serious bbout getting pregnant - circle + bloom"

My husband told me I am going crazy because I asked my mother in law for the 'Natural Cycle for Fertility Program' from circle + bloom  as a Christmas present.

At this point, I am willing to try just about anything... that includes meditation CDs worth over $50.00

Have you heard of this program?
Does it work?
Sucess stories, please!!!
Should I keep this on my Christmas' list?
ahh, having second thoughts

Click to vote below :-)
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Sunday, November 27, 2011


I found this article when reading its a love thing... The article was written by C. Jane and she did a great job capturing what infertility is all about. 

Infertility is so much more than not having a baby in your arms.

That's why you can't hand your crying baby to the infertile woman at church and say things like, "Here, this will make you feel better. Aren't you glad you don't have to put up with this?"

The woman experiencing infertility doesn't want your baby. Certainly, your baby is squishy and lovely (even when crying) and smells so nice, but that's not it. That's not even a consolation.

Nor is saying to your infertile neighbor, "You should just adopt. If you adopt I swear you'd get pregnant. It's happened to like, three of my friends/relatives/coworkers."

Because, that's not it either. It's not about achieving some ends to a means. It's not about belittling adoption so you can achieve a pregnancy.

And adoption is not a scientific cure for infertility--and it's not an emotional cure either.

Infertility is an all encompassing state of being. It has the force to completely take over the core of a woman's belief about who she is and what she is capable of. It's not about having a biological baby or an adopted baby or a foster baby, it's about feeling whole even if no baby ever comes at all.

It's about overcoming those days when you are called to repentance (by well-meaning family members, or ladies at church) for "lacking the faith to conceive" or for being selfish because "what is taking you so long to have a baby?"

It's being able to love your body even though it's not functioning in a fertile way. It's about ignoring the statements like, "if you lost weight you'd get pregnant," or "the clock is ticking! you're getting too old," or "I don't know what the problem is, my husband looks at me wrong and I'm pregnant!"

It's the determination that no matter how family-friendly our culture is, or how valuable we pronounce motherhood or how we like to say well-meaning things like, "we're all mothers!" that the truth is we are all daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. And that isolated characteristic is mighty powerful in its own course. Anything else added to it is cherry, but not necessary for our eternal self-esteem.

My own battle with infertility ripped me apart. In those heavy years I felt every emotion given to mankind to feel. Jealously like a furious ocean. Anger, rage and self-directed disappointment. It wasn't just the inability to conceive, it was the inability to believe in myself.

There was a lot of misunderstanding everywhere I went.

BUT. There is a belief structure that we preach in our church based on a scripture in the Book of Mormon it says:

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

If we come unto Christ, He will make our weaknesses strengths.

I'm not talking about being infertile for five years and then pregnant for the next four (which, as it turns out has happened in my experience). My weakness wasn't infertility which was washed away by strong fertility.

My weakness was not seeing who I really was, with or without a baby. I could only see myself as a person who wanted. I was incomplete. And upon getting (miraculously) pregnant I didn't suddenly understand, but somehow along the way I could see how the Lord took me by my hand and showed me my strength:

I am a daughter of God, and therefore entitled to intelligence, creativity, joy, inspiration and beyond. These are my strengths. Real strengths.

That is not to say there aren't residual wounds that came because of that inner turmoil (I am still working on forgiving some of those "helpful" remarks . . .) I feel I'll never get over the entire experience completely. And I suppose this is a post easier to write on the eve of having my third child. But I remember saying to myself during those extremely lonely years, "I want hope more than I want a baby." I didn't mean hope that someday I'd conceive, I meant hope that someday it wouldn't be so painful to be me.

This past week I was asked by Studio 5 to be a guest on their Sensitivity Training segment. They asked me to speak about how to talk to someone experiencing infertility. During the interview I said a phrase I didn't get to really explain "there's light at the end of the tunnel." It sounds so cliche and trite out of context. I didn't mean conception.

I meant: the light at the end of the tunnel comes when the light inside of yourself illuminates who youreally are, and what you're really capable of.

That's when infertility becomes less about having a baby in your arms and more about gratitude for having experienced it.

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Thank you all so much for your prayers, love, and support. 
It meant a lot to me to read your comments, and e-mails. 

I am on CD 33, BFN, and no AF. Here is why:

I went to the doctor's on CD 21 to get a blood test to find out whether or not I was ovulating on my own. I had done 'Ovulation Kits' at home the past few months so I was positive that was not the problem. But I was wrong.

I got a call from my doctor's office on Tuesday, November 22nd and the nurse informed me the doctor wanted to see right away and my progesterone level was at 0.09. She told me they are really low, and I am not ovulating.

I went to the doctor's office the following day; in disbelief, as part of me hoped this was not true. But it was confirmed, I am not ovulating.

I have anovulatory cycles, that means I get my menstruation every month but an egg is not release so ovulation does not occur. The doctor explained that this is the most common cause of infertility. No further testing are needed at the moment since we have a diagnosis that explains why my husband and I are not conceiving.

The doctor explained various treatment options and assured me that I will get pregnant. Even though it is nice to know he is confident it will happen for us, I had my doubts.

So, we are starting with a combination of two medicines: Provera and Clomid. He instructed me to take a pregnancy test before starting Provera to make sure I was not pregnant. I took the test on Friday and it was negative so I started taking the medicine that night. I am currently on day 3 of taking this. Provera will induce my menstruation. I used Provera last cycle since I did not get my AF either. I will start taking Clomid 50mg on cycle day 5 for 5 days. I need to test for ovulation starting on CD 10 with OPKs and 'Baby Dance' starting on CD 10 until CD20 every other day. He also told me the best time to BD is 36 hours from my first positive OPK reading. I will then go to the doctor's again on CD 21 to see if I ovulated or not.

Based on my CD 21 results, he will increase the Clomid dosage to 100mg if my body did not respond to the 50mg. The dosage will be increased until ovulation is reached. If Clomid does not do the trick then he will prescribe Metformin. So that means, I will be taking: Provera, Clomid, and Metformin.

If that does not work, then he will add a trigger shot. He assured me that there are different options that will help me ovulate before IVF.

I spent a few days crying over this. I am not going to lie, seeing the doctor do a big circle around the word 'infertility' scared me. For the first time, I felt incomplete. I am the reason why my husband and I are unable to conceive. I know my husband will do anything for me, so I am willing to do whatever it takes to give him the joy of parenthood. He told me a few days ago to get myself together and climb out of the hole I have been digging with this whole infertility journey. He is right. There are options. I have to be positive, and have hope. We will get through this and we will be pregnant (sooner or later).

I am feeling a lot better about this whole anovulation diagnosis since yesterday. 
I will continue to stay positive during this infertility journey.
I will have faith, I will pray, and I will believe that one day,
we will have a positive pregnancy test (BFP)!

Friday, November 25, 2011

A Christmas Present

I am linking up to Merry Indie Christmas hosted by CaseyDanielleKate, and Janel

A few weeks ago, I started making jewelry again.
So, this Christmas,
one of my dearest friend will get this

I purchased all the materials from Michael's,
It took me about 30 minutes to finish the ring,
I used different beads to give it a "bulky" look.

If you want to make this, e-mail me for the tutorial.
I do not have internet at the moment, so blogging from my phone is at times difficult. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Take a close look at this picture and tell me what you see
hint: baby

I saw this picture on twitter from {Oh Happy Miracle} and it is amazing.
I smiled for the first time this morning;
all thanks to this picture. 

Candied Sweet Potatoes

Happy Thanksgiving!

Today, I made my first dish to bring for our family on Thanksgiving.
Every year, I went to the store and bought a dish.
My mother in law asked me if I ever made 'Sweet Potatoes' before,
I quickly replied "yes"
I made 'Sweet Potatoes' before at my previous job.
I opened a can, put the content inside a baking dish, and turned the oven on.
That counts as making it? Doesn't it?

Okay, maybe "no" but I just couldn't tell my mother in law that,
'No, I have not made Sweet Potatoes before'
How hard can it be? Not hard at all :)

Here is the recipe I used:

  • Four Pounds of Sweet Potatoes
  • 2 1/4 cups of brown sugar
  • 1 1/4 cups of margarine (I used 'I can't believe its butter')
  • 4 cups of miniature marshmallows
  • Ground cinnamon to taste
  • Ground nutmeg to taste 
  • Preheat over to 400 degrees F
  • Bring a large pot of water to boil. Add potatoes (slightly underdone); drain, cool, and peel
  • In a large pot combine margarine, brown sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg, and marshmallows 
    • I did this step twice. One bash, I used to mix with the sweet potatoes, and the second bash, I used on top of the sweet potatoes
  • Stir potatoes with the marshmallows sauce. Smash potatoes and transfer to prepared dish.
  • Finish with topping the sweet potatoes with marshmallows and bake for 15 minutes 
The Final Product:

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

It's Official

As I left my doctor's appointment today, the nurse stopped me to tell me this:

"We are calling your insurance company today, to ensure they pay for infertility treatments"

As of today, my medical chart has a big circle around the word "infertility".

I knew this was coming... but I was not ready for it to be "official" :(

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Waiting :(

I had my doctor's appointment on CD 21 to test if I am ovulating on my own or not. The results were supposed to be back within 2 days. My appointment was on Tuesday. I called them Thursday afternoon to see if my results were available, and the receptionist told me the nurse would call me Friday or Monday. I waited for the call all day Friday, and nothing. I waited for the call yesterday and called them around 2:30pm to get my results when I didn't hear back from them. They put me on hold for about 15 minutes, finally the receptionist comes back on the phone and said, 

"What is your phone number? 
The nurse is with a patient and she would call you back today with your results". 

I gave her my number and once again WAITED (by the phone this time) for the call...
 and they never called. 

I am on CD28 today and as of last night, 
I have been dreaming and hoping that I ovulated and that my AF does not come today, and that we will finally get our BFP this cycle. 

I wanted to have my blood test result BEFORE today! Because I did not want to dream, to hope.. 
not this cycle. 

I am tired of crying! I am tired of waiting up in the middle of night telling my husband over and over how sorry I am that we are not pregnant yet! I am tired of having my heart crushed over and over again every month. 

I wanted things to be different this cycle. I wanted to know the results before CD28 so I am mentally and emotionally prepare if AF shows up today. I do not want to take another pregnancy test if the result is going to be NEGATIVE. 

I do not want the disappointment! I really just want one answer...


ps. to make things worse, I woke up today feeling dizzy, and my tummy hurts!

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


I had my doctor's appointment. I will write a post about it (hopefully) by the end of the week. I survived another appointment. I am just now waiting for the results :sigh:

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Craft Room

I love making jewelry, painting, knitting, sewing, etc...
I probably spent more money at Michael's than at a grocery store.
My craft room has always been messy; really messy!

So one day, I decided to organize all my art/craft supplies.


I am happy with the final look.
Now that my craft room is organized, 
I can find things easily :-)

I'm scared!

I have been looking forward to my doctor's appointment since my last visit almost three weeks ago. It is only three days away and I just feel like I need to cancel. 

I want to cancel;
simply because I am afraid of the outcome. 

When it comes to infertility, there is no escape. You either get an answer you are most likely not going to like, or you don't get an answer at all and continue wondering and thinking "what if..."
So, what is worse? To know there is a problem, or to know there is nothing wrong. 

If there is a problem, do we have solutions to the problem? 
If there is not a problem, why can't we get pregnant?
... what's next?

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

My Sticky Note "INFERTILITY"

My husband makes everything better.
He really does. So as we were driving home tonight, I read him this post. He listened.
He told me that I should take this whole experience as a "blessing"
A blessing that there are treatments available
A blessing that we were not in this situation twenty plus years ago
A blessing that we live in a country that offers health care benefits
A blessing that we have options!

I guess there is a big sticky note on my forehead that screams "INFERTILITY"
Am I angry? Yes, I am...

I listen to the radio and within minutes,
an advertise from 'Shady Grove Fertility' clinic starts playing

I get online and within seconds,
advertisements about 'Infertility' are in every page

I get on my facebook and you guessed it,
more infertility advertisements


I walk into my office and half of my co-workers are suddenly PREGNANT
or have a story to share about how it took them 2 months to get pregnant...

I decide to watch some televison last night from Hulu+ and there it was...
19 & Counting
or should I say? 20 & Counting

Celebrity gossip websites...
Jessica Simpson is pregnant

and a few minutes ago I check my personal e-mail and I got an e-mail titled
"fertility- what every man (and women) needs to know"

I want my husband to give me a big hug and tell me everything is going to be okay!
Too bad I won't see him for another two hours :(

November Button Swapping

I learned about....

November Button Swapping

by following

It feels like it was yesterday when I was getting ready to go the beach and enjoy summer vacations.
Today is November and in a few weeks, it will be December.
If you are looking to grow your blog, you should join the button swapping.

Check out Stacey's blog and follow the instructions!
Happy Growing :-)

Friday, November 4, 2011


"Trust in the LORD with all your heart 

and lean not on your own understanding; 

in all your ways submit to him, 

and he will make your paths straight"

Proverbs 3:5-6

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Stylish Baby

This is a new cycle with endless possibilities, right? I feel relax, happy, and hopeful...
I can dream... and if we were having a baby girl! I would love to buy her the following items:

I think my husband may be in some trouble if we have a girl